March of last year I had my second miscarriage. Which is hard enough to go through on it's own, but about two weeks after my miscarriage my unmarried boss came to me and told me that she was pregnant. Since we work together our cycles are linked up and so we had gotten pregnant at the same time. Which meant that I went to work every day watching 'my pregnancy' grow before my very eyes. Mourning your loss and going through the hormonal upheavals is hard enough - but watching an unwanted pregnancy as well makes it a lot harder! The struggles with my first miscarriage were almost forgotten in light of the second and all that accompanied it. When I had virtually reached my breaking point and was literally crying on my way to work telling the Lord that I could not take this for another minute - that he needed to help me find a new job like yesterday or take care of this somehow - my boss informed me that they didn't find a heartbeat and so she too had a miscarriage. Adding the guilt of feeling somehow responsible for her loss (I mean I had basically prayed for it!! And though I knew, of course, it was not my fault reason is not a hormonal woman's best friend!) to the depression I was already experiencing was more than I thought I could bear. But we grew closer and mourned together and laughed together and cursed the women who were lucky enough to be pregnant together....
The healing process can be a slow one and life can be crazy, so it's only been the last few months that Mark and I have been officially 'trying' to get pregnant again. And yesterday (in the middle of my cycle - going through the sorrow of still not being pregnant yet) she told me that she was 11 weeks pregnant. So far this pregnancy is very healthy and they are really excited, etc... She was, of course, on birth control pills and is still unmarried. And when I asked she told me that they haven't even talked about getting married yet. So I find myself thrown into the sorrows and struggles of last year all over again!
It is hard not to feel forsaken, alone, and questioning the unfairness of it all. How can the Lord bless all these unwed women with children? Why are 12 and 14 year old girls getting pregnant and choosing to keep the babies when there are so many couples who want to adopt? In a lot of ways we are lucky - we've only been married a few years and we can conceive, I just need to carry the baby full-term. I know so many couples who have been married longer and trying longer. Couples who have had multiple miscarriages and still-born babies. Couples who have finally made the decision to adopt and then having to go through the long and incredibly invasive process only to have to wait for years more.
When I was younger I would have honestly told you that I only wanted to get married so I could have children. I have always loved children and felt that one of my main purposes in life was to be a mother. But I have been very blessed in meeting and marrying a man that I love more than I ever thought I could love a person. And through all of this we have grown closer as best friends and husband and wife. And I have learned that motherhood does not mean giving birth to a baby. I am a mother to my nieces and nephew, and to the girls I teach at church. And I have faith that I will be a mother to my own children one day. Mark and I have both received revelation that we will be parents. And so at this time I have to be 'Infertile in Faith' and remember the power of the Savior's atonement and sacrifice for us all. I have to remind myself that the Lord only gives us challenges that he knows we can handle - and though I sometimes wish he didn't think I could handle so much - I can be strong and faithful. And I can have joy in my life on the way to reaching our goals. True happiness won't suddenly be there when I am handed a newborn baby. I can have happiness now!