My Husband, Carmen Miranda

Recently the members of the Crenshaw family that live locally (that would be us, Susy's fam, John's fam & Mike) have decided we should do a weekly (or at least bi-monthly) Sunday night dinner and game night.  So we take turns hosting and all pitch in for dinner, then play games.  Well we try to play games, but sometimes we are too tired and the kids are too crazy.  But we're attempting for some family time, so that's what counts, right?

This past Sunday we were at Susy's house and after dinner we decided to play Zobmondo, which is basically a board game of 'would you rather.'  As in would you rather have 2 peg legs or hooves for hands?  You get the idea.  Anyway when it's your turn you read the appropriate question and write down which one you think the rest of the group will choose - if you guess correctly you get to roll the dice and move forward on the board.  So when it was Mark's turned he asked us the question: "Would you rather be a part of a religion that required you to wear fruit on your head everyday or dye a large section of your hair bright red?"  We all pretty much immediately and unanimously said "dye our hair red!"  To which many added that it would actually be kind of cool and we would like it.  Mark was quiet and looked bummed, so we all asked  "you got it wrong?  You really picked fruit on your head?!"  He said yes, to which we all died laughing and said, "why on earth would you think we would pick that!?"  So he very calmly and seriously explained, "because then that way I could have fresh fruit whenever I wanted."  Ridiculous.

Also as a side note my sister-in-law Meaghan just posted this photo on facebook, their amazing wedding is featured in this months Brides Magazine.  So if you come across it, you'll have to check it out.  And I, of course, am going to buy it - cause that means my sexy Bond-looking husband is in it too!  (See how it's all about me?)

Dream On

Mark age 4 - pre-broken nose

Last night as I lay in bed wide awake well after 3:00 am with an inexplicable case of insomnia, I found myself thinking about Mark as he lay snoring next to me off in dreamland.  And I was mainly contemplating these two things - his snoring and his dreams and how over the past 5.5 years of marriage I have a developed a love/hate relationship with them both.

Let us begin with the snoring.  First I must tell you that throughout his youth Mark broke his nose 5 times (and never while playing football incidentally).  I can only imagine that having ones nose broken 5 times would cause large amounts of damage to the septum, which in turn leads to snoring.  I understand that it really is not his fault and that I probably should not kick him gently tap him while I am trying to fall asleep.  I understand all of this, but it doesn't change the fact that he snores so loudly that I can often hear him in the living room, over the TV, from the bedroom which is down the hall with the door closed.  While we were in NYC for his brother's wedding, we stayed in a hotel room for a few days with his other brother Matt and girlfriend Beth.  Down at breakfast after the first night Beth looked at me in amazement and asked "how can you sleep through that snoring?"  With 5+ years of experience, Beth - that's how.  (Am now considering adding this experience to my resume.)  Apparently Matt and Beth were up incredibly late dying laughing, counting the number of different snores Mark has, naming them, and finally putting in their ipods so that they could fall asleep.  So it turns out that Mark has 7 different and distinctive snores.  This is great information - I always knew they were numerous but was too busy pushing him gently nudging him, I never bothered to count.  Now I regret that through the course of the busy wedding weekend and because I was told the names they came up with for these 7 snores early in the morning down at breakfast where I was tired and had no paper, that I only remember 1 of them.  (Note to self: text Matt and ask if he remembers the other names.)  And the main reason I remember the 1 name is because I knew which snore it was the minute they said the name.  The Volcano.  You see the volcano is proceeded by deceptively quiet snoring that comes out at such a nice even tempo it is practically lulling you to sleep, then there is a brief silence followed by a sudden earth shattering, village destroying eruption that is The Volcano.  And now you're wide awake again, heart pounding from the startling violent noise next to you.  And the cycle starts over...

Mark age 15 - not breaking his nose

Now onto the dreams.  Mark has an ability (in addition to the Volcano) that I find somewhat amazing - he can remember his dreams every night.  I barely ever remember my dreams, when I first wake up occasionally a weird mixture of images and events play through my head - which I quickly forget and go on with my day.  Mark however remembers all of his dreams, to the finest detail and even days later sometimes.  And every day he tells me, "I had the craziest/weirdest/most interesting dream last night" and proceeds to tell it to me.  Everyday for more than 5 years I have listened to his dreams.  I will admit that I often nod and say uh-huhs and yeahs at pauses, while actually reading my book/cooking/sewing/writing my blog but for the most part I do try to pay attention.  Hilariously Mark just called me from work to ask how I slept (didn't) and guess what?  Tell me his dream.  (I told you.  Everyday.)  So now I will share it with you.  (Begin dream sequence)  Mark and I were in the car driving around town.  I was driving and it was the town we lived in, but only in the dream, not actually Morrisville.  And I was apparently driving very fast and erratically.  So Mark told me that I was driving crazy and he wished I would slow down and be more safe.  To which I told him to be quiet and leave me alone and just let me drive (sounds about right).  So he was mad and sat next to me in silence thinking "if you want me to be quiet, fine I'll be quiet.  I won't speak another word."  I continued to drive so crazy that we drove right off a cliff that had a raging river running below it (see not Morrisville).  At which point he could hold his tongue no longer and began to yell at me as we flew through the air, "see I told you!  You never listen to me!  You were driving too fast and crazy and now we're going over a cliff!" etc...  I of course yelled back that I knew what I was doing and he needed to be quiet.  So then we hit bottom, but we hit the bank of the river and we are still going so fast that we bounce off, through a group of trees and right back onto the road.  To which I said "I told you so."  (End dream sequence.)  Hilarious.  And disturbing.  If you were to interpret this you might think it means that Mark feels I am driving our lives through a wild crash course.  But as you can plainly see, what it actually means is that he needs to just listen to me, cause I know what I'm talking about.  (And possibly hold on tight.)

The Epicness

So Mark decided he wanted to learn how to make chainmaille. So we ordered him a bunch of steel jump rings and by using my jewelry making tools - voila - he has made a chainmaille dice bag. That's right, a dice bag - to hold ones dice while playing Dungeons and Dragons. (And you thought chainmaille was going to be the dorkiest part of this post.)

So he started with this:

















And ended up with this:
































I helped him sew in the lining and he finished it off with a leather cord to pull it closed. I actually think it's pretty great and am super proud of his geekery. He gave this one to my brother Mike for his birthday and is now making plans to make one for himself. (Now that he practiced on this one, he can make his even better. You know how you do.)

Big, Angry Beastie

Well another month has gone by with barely any news from me and I'll tell you why. Because I have been a big, angry Beastie! I didn't want to push all my mean-nasty on you, so instead I have been having daily ice cream anti-socials. (Or cake, or brownies, or chips, or cheese, or Mexican food... Mmm Mexican food that sounds delicious. I need to eat dinner.) But today while I was reading over my lunch hour, I realized that I have been a big, angry Beastie and need to get over it! Basically I have been saying "woe is me" for over a month now and I'm sick of myself. To give you an idea of my inner monologue, here's a sample: "Where are my babies? Where's my rich husband? Where's my big, beautiful house? Why am I still working? Why aren't I a stay-at-home mom with lots of children? Where's my new car with working AC? etc, etc..." You see how annoying I've been?

So I decided to be happy with what I got. I don't have everything I ever dreamed of, but in some ways I have more... I have a loving husband who tells me I'm hot everyday. He's my best friend and cracks me up! (Plus I always loved John Lennon and he's a little John Lennon-looking. Or as I now think, John Lennon is a little Mark-looking.) I have a good job and I make good money - in fact I just got a raise today. And I'm using that job to help my husband pay his way through school - this lady is bringing home the bacon. (Mmm bacon. Really need to eat dinner.) I don't have any babies yet and sometimes it's dang hard not to stress out thinking about how these eggs have an expiration date and wanting to slap every pregnant lady I see. (No offense to all my pregnant girls. Love ya, mean it! Happy for you, sad for me - you know how it is...) But I know that I will have some babies - in the words of George Michael I just gotta have faith - because the Lord is smarter than me. And thanks to modern conveniences, I have a DVR, Netflix, and a library card so I can escape at the snap of a finger. We just moved in to a super cute apartment that we love. And we don't have roommates anymore! (Can I get an Amen?!) Although I have a 12 year old car with no working AC - I have no car payment. And my friend's husband just put a CD player in it - no more tape deck for me baby, welcome to the 21st century - so I have been enjoying rocking out to my CDs on my way to and from work each day.
















So you see life aint too shabby. I mean just look at that dorky expression on his face - how could I not love that guy and be happy?!

Now I am going to go eat dinner, cause I am starving. In case you didn't already guess.

Photo Recap

I've been quite busy recently with the new job, birthdays, getting ready to move, and the zombie invasion... So I thought I'd give you a little photo recap to catch you up, before I'm off to behead a few more unsightlies.

Laura's hubby Travis came down to visit with Sophia and Holly so we had a lot of fun with them. (If you didn't already know my sister Laura is preggers with twins and has been on bed rest.) Two of my favorite moments are as follows. We went to the pool and while walking home Holly said, "this is a long short cut." I gave the girls a bath and was too lazy to get the kids soap and shampoo, so I just used some of mine. They really loved using a bar of soap and sudsing it up in their hands. I explained to them that the soap was lemon-verbena to which Sophia said, "it's pretty funny we're making our bums smell like lemon!" I agree Sophia, I agree.


Grace and her best friend Mark had a birthday party. Grace turned 2, Mark turned 2 + 23.






















Lily had her 2nd birthday party. We played games and went out for ice cream. I made her and Claire pillowcase dresses and decided to make Susy a matching apron too. (PS- Lily loves to be naked. As soon as we came back from Sunni Sky's she said "diaper off.")





























































(that's her daddy's pinching hand)


And then obviously the zombie invasion.

















Yes, this is an actual photo Mark took, it's just a few blocks up the road from us, it all started 4th of July weekend... It's been quite a nightmare, as you can imagine.

What You Said?

Here are a few of my favorite conversations over the last month and a half...

Mike: I miss Win Ben Stein's Money.
Mark: Oh I hate that show! You can only win if you pee!
Mike: What?! Oh, no you're thinking of Distraction.

On Easter Mark and I explained to Sophia that the Easter Bunny poops chocolate candy and that's how we get all the yummy Easter candy, and this is what she had to say about it.
Sophia(laughing): Wow! You sure know a lot about the Easter Bunny!

Holly really wants to be a part of every conversation, so here's an example of how she joins in.
Me: We should all go to the Farmer's Market on Saturday.
Holly: What you said, Aunt Header?
Me: I said we should go to the Farmer's Market.
Holly: Oh, I just love the Farmer's Market!
(You see, you can say pretty much anything and Holly will "just love" it.)

Abby: Roar, roar, roar

While driving home from Sunni Sky's (best ice cream ever, by the way!) the girls asked me to tell a story, so I suggested that we all tell the story together. So I'd have the girls fill in at certain points, you know what I mean...
Me: Once upon a time Sophia and Holly opened a french fry stand. And it became really popular and everyone really loved their famous french fry sauce. Which was made of?
Sophia: Cherry juice and coconut juice.
Me: Mmmmm, sounds delicious. And then Lily opened up a hot dog stand next door. And everyone loved to get french fries from Sophia and Holly and then go next door and get hot dogs from Lily. So Lily what kind of hot dogs did you sell?
Lily: Mickey Mouse!
Holly: What Lily said, Aunt Header?
Me: She said she sells Mickey Mouse hot dogs.
Holly: Oh, I just love Mickey Mouse hot dogs!
Me: Yes, everyone loved Lily's hot dogs made out of Mickey Mouse meat. I mean who doesn't love Mickey Mouse meat hot dogs?!
Sophia (laughing): Oh man, that is cracking me up and making me laugh so hard!
(Have you noticed that Sophia loves gross things? Yes, it makes hilarious story telling very easy.)

John: How was your day today?
Me: Fine. I turned in my two weeks notice at work and then I came home and ate whip cream for dinner.
John: Sounds like a pretty good day.

To See or Not to See

So last Thursday while I am out to lunch with my sister Susy I get a very distressed phone call from my poor husband. I barely get out a "hello" before Mark starts ranting about getting something in his eye at work and how he's ticked off and can't see and doesn't even know how he's driving right now, etc, etc. I (being the super loving and concerned wife that I am) calmly tell him that if he can't see, then he definitely doesn't need to be on the phone while driving - he needs to go home, flush his eye out with water and call me later (when I'm done having lunch with Susy) if it's not better. He agrees with my sage advice and goes home and flushes his eye out, but he's still in so much pain that he just takes pain meds and falls asleep.

He wakes up around 4pm and feels even worse. So he calls me again and tells me the steps he's taken to no avail, so I tell him he needs to go to the eye doctor. Now perhaps I should have begun this tale by explaining the deathly terror that Mark experiences with anything going near his eyes. He doesn't touch his eye, he doesn't use eye drops, he faints at the sight of contact lenses. (You get the idea.) So naturally he does not want to go to the doctor. I tell him that I'm calling right now to make an appointment and remember how much you liked Dr Uwe Canting when we went last year and you'll be fine and John will drive you and that you're going, the end. (You see how sometimes just having a husband makes you feel like you have kids?) The doctor's office says they can work him in if he comes asap, so John takes my 6'6" baby boy to the doctor.

While I'm closing up at work around 5:30 I get another call from him and he tells me (unusually calmly, I might add) that it turns out he has metal on his iris and it is rusting in his eye and that they have to get the ophthalmologist to come and surgically remove it or it could cause permanent damage and possible blindness. What?! How did this happen? I am a terrible and flippant wife. Although I did convince him to go to the doctor, so maybe I'm not so bad. The doctor told me that if he hadn't gone in that night he probably would've lost his eye completely. And though an eye-patched pirate husband would have been kind of sexy, I am happy that he still has both of those big, beautiful green eyes of his. So after 4 Valium, a blessing, and lots of hand holding the metal was removed, eye drops were administered, and a contact lens band-aid was applied. (I can hardly believe that he survived it all.)

His vision is still pretty blurry in his right eye and the doctor said that it may be 2-4 weeks before his vision goes back to normal. We go back this afternoon for another follow-up appointment and they are hoping that he will be healed enough to remove the contact lens. But I have a feeling that it will take another 4 Valium, a blessing, and lots of hand holding to get that contact lens out!

Holy Trinity?

Another random conversation that I just had to share. This one took place last night while cooking dinner.

Mike: This is almost a mirepoix, we just need celery.

Mark: My family never called it a mirepoix, we always called it the trinity.

Me: Actually I think the trinity is different than a mirepoix. The trinity has green peppers instead of carrots.

Mark: No I think they are the same. Onions, celery, carrots.

Mike: Yeah I think the one with green peppers has a different name and that mirepoix and trinity are the same.

Me: Well if it does I can't think of the other name...

Mike: So Mark if this was The Trinity who would they be?

Mark: Well I think that the Holy Ghost would be onions cause they get all see-through when you cook them.

Mike: OK well what about the other two?

Mark: I guess Jesus would be carrots, cause God is definitely celery.

(Incidentally in case you're wondering I was right - a mirepoix = onions, celery, carrots and the trinity = onions, celery, green peppers.)

Full House

Living with John, Amanda and Abby over the past few months (and come to think of it, Mike for the past few weeks) has led to a lot of randomness and laughs. So in honor of this I have decided that I will periodically blog my favorite conversation of the week from the McKeon/Crenshaw home for your enjoyment. Because, you see, you get to share all these anecdotes about your children and the fabulous/hilarious/adorable things they say and so now I will be sharing anecdotes about my children - oh, I mean my husband and brother.

John: How many pancakes do you want?
Mark: Chocolate chip!

Mark-isms

Mark and I have basically spent the last week being sick. (Don't be jealous!) So since I have nothing exciting and fun to report on, I thought I would share a few Mark-isms with you. My husband says some pretty hilarious things sometimes (or at least I think so). He kind of has his own language... probably everyone has their own language in a way, but anyway here are a few of Mark's.

"Ya me say?" (something he and his younger brother said when they were kids meaning 'know what I mean' or 'do you agree')

"I have to take a tinkle." (he's probably going to kill me for this one - but it really cracks me up that such a big guy says something that only little girls should say)

"Huggle" (a combo of hug and cuddle- pretty cute, but it always makes me think of The Labrynth)

"Purple wet sweet" (this is actually something that my parents said to describe some generic Kool-aid they drank in Germany and Mark thinks it's hilarious so he now uses it whenever possible)

"Liar, liar pants on pumpkin!" (my personal favorite - this is something one of his high school friends shouted out at lunch when accusing someone of lying - only to be made fun of having clearly gotten his nursery rhymes mixed up)

"Is this real life?" (Mark's favorite quote from the youtube video David After Dentist which he's been roaming around the house and saying ever since seeing it)

Jolly Green Giant

Long before we got married, when Mark was only the friend of my brother Michael, my family always knew that Mark was over because giant flip flops would be filling the entryway of my parent's home. (Also all the milk would be gone - but that's another story for another day.) So upon marrying Mark I had to learn a thing or two about sizing. I mean I had no training in shopping for a near giant - this isn't the kind of thing they teach you in Young Women. For example, did you know that socks come in king size? Me neither. So I'm sure you're thinking, "Heather, it's no big deal - just go shop in the Big n Tall section." Well that's what I thought too. But what if your man is too thin for the Big part of Big n Tall?? And then what if he is also too big for the regular section? How can a person possibly be both too big and too small at the same time? It puzzles me still. But sadly that is right where Mark is - too big and yet too small all wrapped into one. But happily, as the shoe crazed person that I am, shoes I can always find. Not in the store of course. Size 16s are never sitting on the rack smiling up at me in all their glory. No, no. That is why God created the internet (or was that Al Gore, I never can remember) so that I can easily purchase shoes for my husband. (And probably future large footed children, come to think of it.) Naturally these online size 16s are often hideous of the Frankenstein variety and always expensive. Even "on sale" most of Mark's shoes cost well over $80 after paying for shipping... So you can imagine my delight when I found a pair of fabulously retro green New Balances for only $59.99 with free shipping! How marvelous. I must admit that I did briefly worry that solid green size 16s would look a bit clownish - but it was a risk I was willing to take. Naturally I ordered them. (Plus Mark really did need a new pair of shoes.) Cause they could be fabulous. Well they came yesterday - and, of course, they are fabulous. Or at least I think so. And according to Mark, he got a lot of compliments on them at work today: "Wow those are green shoes" and other splendid compliments were made by both employees and customers alike. So I knew that I had to share them and all their glory with you....



Mr Green - Size 16


A size comparison with my green shoes (womens size 9)