Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Junk Food Junkies

Oh Krispy Kreme doughnuts, why are you so delicious?  You see they recently built a Krispy Kreme store in good old Fuquay Varina - which is forty minutes from my house (thankfully), but only about two minutes from my sister Susy's house (less thankfully).  And you see because it's a new store, to promote business (and because they have a pact with the Devil) they keep the HOT NOW sign on all the time!  Which is delicious.  If not slightly dangerous.  So naturally tonight as I drove by on my way home I was taken over (refer to pact above) and was forced to go through the drive-thru and get myself two piping hot, glaze-melting doughnuts.  Which I promptly (if not savoringly) ate in the car on the way home.  Licking sugar off my fingers at every red light.  It was wonderful.  But you see it is too easy to fall victim to this (Devil pact), most likely because I do not drive past it every day and have not therefore built up the proper immunity to the ever present HOT NOW sign.  You see the dilemma I'm in?  It's bad.

So let me back track a little, just in case you happen to live in some sad existence in which you have never had a HOT NOW Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut, allow me to explain the utter perfection:  1st I must say that I don't like glazed doughnuts, 2nd I must say the Krispy Kreme hot glazed doughnuts are my favorite doughnut of all time, and 3rd I must say that you must now imagine the most perfect glazed doughnut you can think of, then imagine it about 2 times better than that, than imagine it hot, and finally imagine that as you eat it, each bite melts in your mouth like unto cotton candy.  Do I need to go on?  I just ate two and I am drooling typing this.  Now I will tell you the three things that I think of every time I eat a HOT NOW glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut.  They are two movie quotes and one childhood memory.

Number 1 - So I Married an Axe Murderer - the Dad: "They put an addictive chemical in it that makes you crave for it nightly." (Now I must explain the this quote is in fact referring to KFC, but we can presume this is only because Mike Myers is from Canada and has sadly never eaten a Krispy Kreme doughnut.  Had he had the opportunity, he would have changed the script.)

Number 2 - Mannequin - Hollywood: "They call to me in the night.  Hollywood, come and eat me Hollywood."  (In this quote he is actually referring to doughnuts.  Do not question my knowledge of the film Mannequin.)

Number 3 - When I was young there were a few years where our church would spend a Saturday selling Krispy Kreme doughnuts door-to-door to raise money for Girl's Camp and Youth Conference.  I am not completely sure about the exact age I was when the incident occurred, but I was somewhere around 12 to 14 years old.  So the way it worked was really early on a Saturday morning we would go to a Krispy Kreme warehouse type location (now it might have just been the store in down town Raleigh, but I was young and so it seemed like a big warehouse type place) and picked up lots of boxes of a dozen glazed doughnuts to sell.  My mom would load them up in the back seat and then we would drive around our neighborhood where my mom would park and I'd take a stack of boxes and go from door-to-door selling them to anyone who wanted them only returning to the car to get more boxes until we had sold them all.  Basically just like Girl Scout cookies, only with instant gratification.  At one particular house when I rang the bell I heard someone yell, "Come in."  Not knowing them I naturally did not come in.  I knew that they must think I'm someone else and so therefore I should ring the bell again to let them know that they do not know me.  (Wasn't I so sensible?) So I rang again and of course they said, "Come in" again.  So I did.  When I walked in there was a group of very cool older high school kids - there were 3 girls and 6 guys - hanging out in the living room playing video games.  Around them there were lots of pizza boxes, chip bags, empty 'soda' cans, etc.  When I explained that I was selling doughnuts they said, "No way.  So you like just came to our house on Saturday morning with doughnuts for us."  I said "Yes."  They said, "This is like the best thing that has ever happened to us. Do you do this every week?"  I said "No."  They asked, "Is that one box all you have left?"  I explained to them that I had a lot more in the car and could get them as many boxes as they wanted.  They pooled their cash and told me they had enough for six boxes.  I was elated!  That was more than half of the boxes I had left to sell.  I was a master salesman.  I ran to the car and excitedly told my mom that this house was having a slumber party (wasn't I so cute and naive) and so they wanted six boxes!  She thought this was great and handed them out to me.  So I proudly walked back up to the house and sold them the six boxes of doughnuts.  Honestly I think my favorite part about this sweet story of selling prowess and childhood innocence, is that it was several years later before I thought back on my proud moment and realized that I had knocked on the door of a bunch of potheads with a major case of the munchies!  So the moral of the story is - if you have to sell doughnuts (or really any food for that matter) door-to-door on a Saturday morning be sure to know where the junkies live.

(By the way I was not paid in any way by Krispy Kreme for this post, but will happily accept cash and/or HOT NOW glazed doughnuts.  Also I have noticed that I have lately become a once-a-month blogger.  I will try to do better, I promise.)


Heather said...

lol! hilarious Heath! You had me drooling as well! At least they closed down the cary location a few years back. Why? Too busy. Traffic blocked up and they couldn't get people in and out efficiently. lol.

melissa said...

Hilarious! I love that you are a master salesman and (even though you told me not to) I totally question your knowledge of Mannequin. Honestly, I'm so impressed that you only bought two. I've never eaten fewer than six of those things in one sitting. Remember that time I went to college right next to a Krispy Kreme and every time I exited the building the smell of hot doughnuts would be lingering in the air? So much love.

Heather McKeon said...

Well Melissa I must secretly admit that I did in fact ask how much 6 doughnuts were first. Thinking that if a dozen was $6.99 that 1/2 a dozen might be $4, but it is $5.99 for 6. And since I was trying to only spend my cash and all I had was $4.87 I settled for 2 doughnuts and a water. So what seems like self control is actually just lack of funds.

imabetty said...

Just looking at that pic of Krispy Kreme doughnuts is making me crave them. Probably good that they're not available near me. :-)